"Don't even think about changing the channel," urged a Miss Universe contestant early on in Saturday night's live Grand Final.
How could you? When train wreck television is this good, there's only one thing you can do: hold on and attempt to survive one of the most awkward beauty pageants you've ever seen.
If you didn't get to see it on the night, don't worry, here are all the best - read: worst - bits in one handy package.
Careful ... this gets rough.
1. That entire opening sequence: Part school stage rehearsal, part jazzercise class, Miss Universe NZ's opening moments really set the tone for the following two hours. Sideways glances, yelped introductions and one contestant screaming this fantastic line: "I'M HOLLY AND YOU'RE IN FOR A TREAT TONIGHT." Are we what.
2. Music oopsy:
"Sorry, that's the wrong track," says a young musician, giggling nervously while sitting crosslegged on stage waiting to perform her live television debut. "I can do that one if you want ..." Not the best start, but thankfully, music producers quickly queued up the right one, and she nailed it.
3. Nope, wrong Brooke:
"Contestant number 10 is Brooke Fraser," says the MC. No she's not. Kiwi musician Brooke Fraser hasn't suddenly become a beauty pageant contestant. "Of course, this is Brooke Huia," he quickly corrects himself. "Sorry Brooke." Because all Brookes look the same, right?
4. Get off my stage:
Miss Universe NZ boss Nigel Godfrey had several awkward encounters with the show's hosts Mark Leishman and Holly Pollock over the night. "You can go," he tells them at one point when he was set to eliminate some of the contestants, wafting the pair out of his sight.
5. It's question time:
Oh god - are we doing this? We're doing this. "What's the best thing about technology?" asks the host. Seems a fair question. The answer? "We can shop online ... everybody loves that." More? "What does being good on the inside mean to you?" Answer: "(It's) just being 100 per cent naturally organic." Another: "Name one thing that's changed you on your Miss Universe journey." The answer: "My confidence ... I am now not afraid to go out into the community and ... do one of my bake sales. I've gotten really good at baking afghans." Keep an ear out for Mark Leishman muttering: "I wished we'd known about those afghan biscuits."
6. Don't. Stop. Now. Just. Nope: This makes no sense. At a beauty pageant that's meant to celebrate women, why would you hire illusionist Andre Vegas to fake saw some of them in half? Or fake push them into a box? Or, like, fake make them disappear? Or fake stick multiple freaking machetes into them? None of this makes sense. But the entire routine lasts at leasts 10 minutes, spans an ad break, and gets more High School Musical the longer it goes on.
7. Dodgy crowns:
Awkward adjustments of tiaras is a thing that happened all night.
8. Sash oopsy:
"No, I don't think that's that, that's the winner's sash ... " That's Nigel Godfrey again telling off an assistant for giving a contestant a sash. She got no sash, and had gotten out of her chair for no reason. In those shoes, that's a big deal.
9. All those pauses:
And the finalists for reality TV's most dramatic pauses are Dominic Bowden and Nigel Godrey. Your winner? **cue world's longest dramatic pause** Nigel Godfrey!
10. Just make it stop: The constant shameless plugs for sponsors included multiple mentions of Honda (the winner gets a car for exactly one year then has to give it back), and a brand of watch. At one point, Mark Leishman held his arm up to Holly. No, it wasn't for her to see that it was time for the show to finish. It was just another plug. There was still ages to go. Far too long.
That not enough for you? Watch the full broadcast below ...