If you didn't get compared to
on the night before your wedding - the same wedding where your fiance's crazy ex-girlfriend crashes and masquerades as his sister - did your big day even really happen?
We're going deep in this first episode for the latest series of Married At First Sight.
For the latest instalment of this social experiment, the idea of marrying two strangers who've never met before just felt a bit stale to producers. So, they've jazzed things up a bit by introducing more couples and throwing group bachelor and bachelorette parties to increase the tension.
On Monday night's series premiere, we meet two groups of 10 men and women who psychologists will eventually pair off and marry using science and computers and a team of television producers who specialise in creating and story-arcing conflict.
These singles are in terrific hands.
It's at these bachelor and bachelorette parties that we meet our two main characters for Monday night's episode: Jonathan and Cheryl.
I should note, we also meet another couple - Sean and Susan - and watch them get married. But they're very nice and sweet and genuine. And for recaps like this, "genuine" is a synonym for "doesn't say anything mean".
Needless to say, we won't focus on them.
Jonathan's a 29-year-old entrepreneur and, if you ever forget he's an entrepreneur, it's not a problem because he'll remind you by dropping it into every sentence.
"Being an entrepreneur, you tend to isolate yourself from a lot of people," he informs us.
"Being an entrepreneur, you learn to cut your losses really quickly," he shares later.
"Being an entrepreneur, I deal with a lot of high-pressure situations," he adds.
In case you didn't know, entrepreneurs are the new "busy mums".
Pretty soon, they're going to have their own Zoot Review commercials on TV.
"As a busy entrepreneur, I don't have time to fuss around with cling wrap while I'm trying to get out the door for an 8am conference call. That's why I use Glad snap lock bags," an entrepreneur-on-the-go will tell audiences.
Later on at the group bachelor party, when one of the other grooms does a general poll to see who's cheated in past relationships, this is basically John's reaction:
John says a lot of douchey things, but I seriously don't have the word limit in this article to include every sentence he says in this latest episode.
As the bucks party progresses, we find out what John's looking for in a girl.
"I definitely don't want someone who's taller than me. I think there's some sort of stigma against that," he says.
Yes. Pipe down gays. Shut up women crapping on about equal pay. Get some perspective and start thinking about the real disadvantaged minorities in society. Someone show some initiative and start an awareness group for freakishly tall girls and the average-sized men they're with.
Over at the ladies' hens night, we meet Cheryl - the woman John will be matched with. In what comes as no surprise, she's fricken' tall.
Our first real introduction to Cheryl involves her having an embarrassing meltdown when some evil twins basically call her Shrek.
Oh yeah, there are twins in this series. It's not clear how this will work. Do they come as a package deal for one guy? Are they matched with a set of male twins? Are they being used to trick one dumb guy and they'll be swapped in and out to see if he notices - kind of like some trick Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen would've pulled in Two Of A Kind? I don't have the answers to these questions.
"We're doing this because we're 31 years old," the twins say when asked why they're doing this show, because apparently just stating your age is a perfect justification for why you've made a questionable life decision.
"I'm doing this because I'm 27-years-old," I'll confidently tell the checkout lady at Coles on a Friday night while buying Easter eggs in early February before going home and eating them off my chest in bed. It's a fabulous reason that you can say proudly when asked to explain any of your choices and no one will question it.
Anyway, back to the Shrek tantrum.
The twins start asking Cheryl about her Scottish accent and where she was born.
"Yeah, I was born where it used to be a castle and then it got knocked down and then it was a hospital so I was like, 'I'm a princess!'," Cheryl says.
"Like the Shrek princess or ...?" one of the twins quips.
Cheryl looks at us through the camera, trying to confirm if we also heard what that twin said.
Removing herself from the situation, Cheryl goes out to the terrace to have a mini meltdown.
"It's just stupid. It's, like, not necessary," she cries. "Can we just cut for a second because ... sorry."
She returns to the camera. And then breaks down again.
"I'm sorry, I'll just have a moment," she sobs. "It's so rude, like, I get sh*t all the time, don't call me Shrek! It's so rude."
From this breakdown, it would seem Cheryl is quite sympathetic, understanding and not quick to judge people by their looks.
But when she meets Jonathan - the busy entrepreneur who doesn't have time for cling wrap - at the altar, she basically just stops short of calling him Shrek.
"He's not the ugliest guy. Like, he's not not attractive. Probably wouldn't look twice at him in the street. But at the same time I'm not, like, repalled by him," she says, mixing the words "appalled" and "repulsed" together.
After some awkward post-ceremony photos are taken, we head over to the reception, and a snake slithers up to Cheryl.
"Hi, I'm Emma - I'm Jonathan's sister ... I'm his little sister," a blonde woman tells Cheryl. As Cheryl reaches out to shake her hand, Jonathan runs over.
"No! She's just a close friend!" he panics to the confusion of everyone.
"How are you? Do you want a hug?" the odd blonde girl asks him.
"No, later. Later, Emmy, later. LAY-TER. Later." he repeats over her demands for a hug.
As Emma slithers away, someone informs Cheryl who the crazy girl is.
"EVERYONE'S LIKE, 'IT'S HIS CRAZY EX GIRLFRIEND!' AND IM LIKE, 'STOP!'" she tells us calmly.
Emma keeps a watchful eye on Jonathan and Cheryl from her table, and her thoughts on their relationship are as precise as her eyeliner.
Asked off-air if she thinks Jonathan and Cheryl will last, Emma replies: "So, like, my Emma answer is, like, um, yeah, no. NO."
Slithering back up to Cheryl, Emma imparts some wisdom about Jonathan: "He's worth it. He's worth it," she says possessively.
Emma then steals a rose from the table centrepieces and weaves it into her hair.
After Emma goes on again about how great she and Jonathan are together, producers ask her if she thinks Cheryl is right for Jonathan.
"F*ck no," she says definitively.
Cheryl's sisters overhear this. And it's no surprise. Emma was saying all this stuff in the middle of the reception surrounded by Cheryl's family.
"No stay, stay sweetheart," Cheryl's sister says, cornering Emma. "So you're talking about someone you don't know. My sister - my beautiful sister.
Who has a very beautiful heart. You don't judge someone like ... you can't!"
Another sister comes in, and things reach peak bogan Kardashian.
"Babe, come on, it's not worth it. Get off camera. She's not worth it," Kourtney says.
"She was bagging the f*ck out of Cheryl!" Khloe tells Kourtney.
While the sisters keep arguing about how they're going to defend Kim and we're all wondering where the hell Kris is in this mess, Emma huffs off to the lift.
But before we know it, she snakes her way back through the reception and over to the sisters' table again for one last crazy confrontation about nothing in particular.
It all eventually ends with Emma back in the lift again, aggressively pressing the "down" button and giving John kinda-but-also-kinda-not cryptic messages.
"I love you. I love you. And I don't love you in a way that ...," she professes, as the metal doors of the lift press shut.
I'm not sure but I think - I think - Emma loves Jonathan almost more than she loves amateur YouTube makeup tutorials.
Despite all the drama, the night ends sweetly for the new couple. In front of their family and closest friends, Jonathan rubs his face on Cheryl's upper-thigh while she informs everyone about her perspiration issues.
And really, isn't that what we're all looking for?
* Married At First Sight screens on on Monday, 8.30pm on TV3.