A bit of a mouthful

"Several years ago, my then husband and I dined at one of the top restaurants in Auckland with his work colleague and his Social Climbing Wife," writes a reader. "White linen silver service. My husband in his usual silliness was chewing his food with great gusto for a giggle. The waiter was pouring red wine for SCW as she said to my husband: 'One must masturbate one's food well'. The waiter spilled wine on the white linen, nearly choked laughing and virtually ran back out to the kitchen. We sat there cracking up while SCW was totally oblivious. [SCW regularly made malapropisms while attempting to use big words]."

'Toy boy' a little bulkier than first thought

"Years ago my house was flooded," writes a reader. "It ruined the carpet and wallpaper in my bedroom. The furniture was stacked in spare rooms until repairs were completed. I gave my bed away to a friend whose son was going flatting. Meanwhile I slept in an upstairs room. Time went by and I didn't get around to replacing my bed. A friend rang one day and asked if I had a new bed yet. I said, 'not yet, no hurry'. She informed me that I should get down to the bed shop straight away because she read in the paper that they had a special offer on beds - buy a new bed this week and get a free 'toy boy'. If only it was true!"

Dumbest people alive.
Dumbest people alive.

Listen carefully - I'm only saying this once

What's the most simple thing you've ever had to explain to a fully competent adult?

1. "Doing some home renovations for a woman and one day she said. 'Every time I ask you to do something it costs me money, why is that?' in a very accusing tone like she caught me pulling a fast one."

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2. "That bananas are not a dairy product. A friend has a dairy issue and I offered her a banana, she said no, reminding me that she's allergic. I explained that despite their somewhat creamy texture, they are not dairy."

3. "I had to explain that, 'No, the refrigerator light will not heat up and spoil the food near it. See? It turns off when the door is shut. Yes, I am sure.' She took the light bulb out anyway 'just to be sure'. This was my sister-in-law."

4. "Why 'The Final Solution' isn't a good slogan for a company (economics class)."

5. "To someone at work, that Nelson Mandela and Morgan Freeman aren't the same."

6. "Had to explain to an ex-girlfriend that a steaming tea bag would not in fact set fire to the contents of the bin, so it didn't need to be left in the sink to cool down." (Source: reddit.com)

The drama of regurgitation.
The drama of regurgitation.
FakeNews!!

Putting the nation on alert against what it has described as a "highly credible terrorist threat," the FBI announced today that it has uncovered a plot by members of al-Qaeda to sit back and enjoy themselves while the United States collapses of its own accord.

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Video: We live in a time where we quickly put people in boxes. Maybe we have more in common than what we think?

Got a Sideswipe? Send your pictures, links and anecdotes to Ana at ana.samways@nzherald.co.nz