Joanna Hunkin is the Head of Entertainment for the New Zealand Herald.

Real Housewives of Auckland: Leaving racial controversy behind for sexual harassment

Michelle Blanchard had no problem objectifying her dog trainer, Doggy Dan.
Michelle Blanchard had no problem objectifying her dog trainer, Doggy Dan.

After last week's racially charged episode, this week's edition of the Real Housewives of Auckland was always going to seem tame by comparison. But not since The Bachelor NZ, have we been exposed to television this dull.

At the end of last week, tensions were still high as Michelle acknowledged Julia's apology was on the table and agreed to move forward. But those expecting producers to milk the situation for any further drama were proven wrong as the event was left firmly in the past.

As Michelle said: "We are all grown women, we know how to put things aside and move on."

The out-of-control Marley was the pressing issue of the day.
The out-of-control Marley was the pressing issue of the day.

With that she put aside the most explosive chapter in New Zealand reality television history and moved on to the important issue of the day: "Marley my dog is out of control."

Enter Doggy Dan, a professional dog trainer, who Michelle decided was a bit of all right and proceeded to objectify at every opportunity.

Not since Michael Lorimer's pay-for-the-pants comment have we heard such bum-clenchingly creepy repartee.

Michelle: "Hi. .. Doggy-style Dan."
Dan: "Doggy Dan. Doggy Dan will do."
Michelle: [Shaking his hand] "Missionary Michelle ..."

Later, as Dan tried to teach Michelle how to pat her dog properly, she reached out to touch his head, declaring: "I'll stroke you."

"I'll stroke you," said Missionary Michelle to Doggy-style Dan.
"I'll stroke you," said Missionary Michelle to Doggy-style Dan.

Meanwhile, Anne and Julia headed off on an intrepid adventure around the mean streets of Parnell to feed Anne's stray cats. Or as she insists on calling them, the Parnell Pussies. Of course.

Anne spent most of this outing berating Julia for her inappropriate dress sense. After all, who wears skinny jeans and high heels to feed stray cats?

Just what was the ever-practical Anne wearing? Identical skinny jeans and high heels.

Arguably, Julia's sensible black pump was a more appropriate choice of footwear than Anne's peep-toe stiletto.
Arguably, Julia's sensible black pump was a more appropriate choice of footwear than Anne's peep-toe stiletto.

Later, the gang headed off on another jolly group outing, this time to try their hand at clay pigeon shooting.

The producers' attempts to work this up into something resembling controversy failed dismally. So much so I can't even be bothered explaining what people were supposed to be upset about.

Instead, I'll just share the highlight of the outing, which was Angela once again muddling a common English expression, this time declaring she has great "hand-eyeball co-ordination". Not once, but twice. Bless.

Later, she dropped another doozie, during a photo shoot for her new book, Being Real. As she posed nude in a bubble bath, she announced: "I don't have to hide behind smokes and mirrors."

No need for smokes and mirrors here.
No need for smokes and mirrors here.

By this point, I totally empathised with the stylist on Angela's photo shoot, who was so clearly embarrassed to be involved in the whole fiasco. I feel for ya bud, I really do.

Angela's stylist seemed less-than-thrilled with his assignment. We know the feeling.
Angela's stylist seemed less-than-thrilled with his assignment. We know the feeling.

Beyond that, there wasn't much to report. Gilda continues to be the only sane one of the bunch, even when admitting she's never fired a shotgun, but knows her way around an AK47. As you do.

She was also responsible for bringing this man into proceedings - Mark Harrison. A regular on the Auckland social circuit, Harrison was roped in to MC her book launch and assisted Gilda in scoping out a venue ahead of the event.

Mark Harrison helped Gilda choose her hors d'oeuvres, ensuring they would fit easily in everyone's "cake hole".
Mark Harrison helped Gilda choose her hors d'oeuvres, ensuring they would fit easily in everyone's "cake hole".

While sampling hors d'oeuvres, Harrison delivered what may be one the greatest lines ever uttered on New Zealand television and some advice to live by: "No one looks good stuffing their cake hole with giant buns."

Indeed.

- NZ Herald

Get the news delivered straight to your inbox

Receive the day’s news, sport and entertainment in our daily email newsletter

SIGN UP NOW

© Copyright 2017, NZME. Publishing Limited

Assembled by: (static) on production bpcf03 at 24 Jan 2017 14:28:10 Processing Time: 735ms