The Real Housewives of Auckland get personal in Port Douglas

Louise played camp mother settling the girls into their Port Douglas holiday this episode.
Louise played camp mother settling the girls into their Port Douglas holiday this episode.

Week five of the Real Housewives of Auckland has actually been kind of pleasant (by comparison, that is).

The Housewives ditched their husbands - but not before showing them what they'd be missing (see Julia's bikini reveal moment below) - and took off to Port Douglas for a girl's weekend.

For once, no one kicked off, no one cried and no one was terribly offended by anything, but the rest of us still got to have a laugh at how posh these people are.

Here's what went down in episode five:

The elephant in the room

It doesn't matter how rich and fabulous you are, you can't expect to whip out your bag o' sex toys at a party and not have everyone talk about you afterwards.

The infamous sex toy show of last episode got a mention this time 'round.
The infamous sex toy show of last episode got a mention this time 'round.

Louise - as all of us should - chose to focus on the fact that the only thing worse than Julia's sex show was Anne getting hands on with it: "You TOUCHED it, though!".

But the best bit was when Michelle told Gilda - who had missed out on the party - what went down.

Gilda's response? "She has a bag of sex toys? Santa must have very much liked her," followed by a "she's probably packing her sex toys as we speak" from Michelle.

Ah, lest we forget.

The spray tan

There's not really that much to say except that Louise forced Anne into getting a spray tan - for free, mind you - and she really didn't want to.

The Champagne Lady gets her spray tan on - under protest, of course.
The Champagne Lady gets her spray tan on - under protest, of course.

She did tell an awkward story about having an allergic reaction to such things, and racist Anne reared her ugly head again saying her whole head doubled in size - "you would've thought I was from Mongolia".

She also rattled off a line about how people over 21 years old "look a bit off" in a bikini, after which the producers craftily segued to a shot of Julia showing off her bikini.

Ah well, her husband certainly wasn't complaining.

Michael responds to Julia's bikini bod: "Bloody Nora!".
Michael responds to Julia's bikini bod: "Bloody Nora!".

#PrayforLea some more

So Lea got to go to Port Douglas, not because she's a great PA who deserves a treat, but "just so I can keep the business going".

She had to do literally everything while Angela set about the important business of finding time to relax. She also had to smile and nod while Angela ranted and raved about Gilda and how "real" she is.

But nothing was quite so awkward as the moment where Angela asked if Lea thought she was fake, and Lea's face froze like this before she remembered it's her job to agree with Angela:

Lea's face when Angela asked if she thought she was fake. #Pray4Lea
Lea's face when Angela asked if she thought she was fake. #Pray4Lea

Stepford Nephew

In totally unrelated news, Anne took her 12-year-old nephew to high tea and it was crazy weird.

Rohan - whose aunty described him as "svelte" - seems to have been expertly groomed for the Real Housewives lifestyle, dressing and speaking in an extremely proper manner and sitting through etiquette quizzes.

We learned how to drink tea - because "we don't want to look like we've got our nose in a trough, do we?" - how to hold a champagne glass properly and which cutlery to use first.

Don't mess with Rohan, he's got a family business to take over.
Don't mess with Rohan, he's got a family business to take over.

But then when Anne mentioned Rohan taking over the family empire one day, he simply smiled and said, "I guess I will", as if he'd been planning the takeover from birth.

He also made the mistake of asking Aunty Anne if she'd ever tried to have children, to which she said: "I've never had sex, Rohan!".

Because this is how most of us interact with our 12-year-old family members, am I right?

Port Douglas

The Housewives get comfy at the bar.
The Housewives get comfy at the bar.

Port Douglas was...uneventful.

Really they only had time to get there, squabble about sharing villas and who would get which rooms, and go for a drink.

Plus sides, though: A waiter dropped some cocktails and Gilda and Michelle had zero chill.

How not to react when your waiter drops a glass or two.
How not to react when your waiter drops a glass or two.

And they played the popular drinking game "I've Never", in which someone says an "I've never" statement and if you have, you drink.

The game revealed that Angela is the only one who's had a one night stand before and Louise is the only one who's had a boob job, of which she is very proud.

It also revealed that Anne had an affair with a married man when she was younger, and Angela also had an "affair" when she was 17. But while everyone shrugged off Anne's admission, everyone lost it over Angela's.

Angela's face when Michelle pries to find out if anyone's had an affair.
Angela's face when Michelle pries to find out if anyone's had an affair.


And the pure delight on Michelle's face when Angela admits she had an affair at 17.
And the pure delight on Michelle's face when Angela admits she had an affair at 17.

It's at this point she says that while the girls think she's very proper, she's not: "I'm quite worldly actually, girls".

Whatever that means.

In short: This week, while amusing, was largely uneventful. But next week the Port Douglas adventures continue with the promise of a boat trip, a "spiritual" helicopter trip, and a whole heap of tears.

- NZ Herald

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