Real Housewives of Auckland: Lessons in acting and sex education

By Siena Yates

The Housewives react to Julia Sloane's "party favours".
The Housewives react to Julia Sloane's "party favours".

Week four of the Real Housewives of Auckland has been eye-opening to say the least.

If you thought last week's episode kicked off with that heated exchange between Ange and Gilda, then this week's exploded: it was Ange v Gilda, Ange v Michelle, Ange v Lea, Julia v Louise, Julia v Anne, and most importantly Lea v the World.

Here's what went down in episode four:

Angela Stone laughs in the face of a housing crisis

Angela takes Lea for a spot of "house shopping".
Angela takes Lea for a spot of "house shopping".

While most of us slog away to afford rent in our "tidy, compact" flats and an alarming number of others are sleeping in cars and on the streets, Angela Stone apparently goes "house shopping" the way the rest of us go grocery shopping.

Oh, what do we need today? Hmm, some bread, some milk, a bit of meat and oh yeah: a new house.

She's thinking "somewhere in the sevens - $7 million, that's kind of what you need to spend here".

The best part is that she shoves it all in the face of her struggling French PA Lea, who's been forced to go along and validate how great the $7 million house is and answer questions like: "Do they have [indoor/outdoor flow] in France?"

That moment you realise exactly what you signed up for.
That moment you realise exactly what you signed up for.

We need a new hashtag: #PrayForLea (and by Lea, I also mean all of us without a casual $7 million lying around).

#PrayForLea

Today we learned the extent to which Lea the intern/PA is being totally jipped.

She's supposed to be learning styling and fashion tips from Ange but instead is working as her PA, revealing to Anne that she's super stressed out. Anne in return reckons Ange is "milking the situation".

It soon becomes clear just how mistreated Lea is when, following a car accident, she's in tears from the shock of it and Ange is more preoccupied with the state of the car.

Suck it up, Lea. Angela needs you to go "fetch things".
Suck it up, Lea. Angela needs you to go "fetch things".

She then tries to tell Lea - using the kind of voice adults use to speak to toddlers - she needs to "get back on the horse" as soon as possible to boost her confidence after the crash, but actually, it's because she needs her driver back.

"It's a bit of an issue," she says of Lea's unwillingness to stare death in the face again. "It's the last thing we need".

Now Ange has to put a car on her shopping list as well. Such an inconvenience.

Julia Sloane's acting 101: What not to do

Things get real at the acting workshop.
Things get real at the acting workshop.

For some reason, Julia and Michelle thought it would be a good idea to accompany Louise to an acting workshop (Script? What script?)

Luckily, no one told Julia that "acting" isn't just "impersonating someone so you can insult them" and things got out of hand.

She pretended to be Louise and went on a massive tirade about how Louise thinks she's better than everyone and is a "backstabbing bitch".

While Michelle was pretty much a real life reaction gif in response, Louise was not bothered at all.

Michelle was basically all of us reacting to the acting class blow-up.
Michelle was basically all of us reacting to the acting class blow-up.

When Julia - acting as Louise - said she was always "acting like I was born into money and privilege", Louise interrupted with: "I was!"

And when Julia warned her: "You're going to get people thinking that you're a stuck up bitch", Louise replied: "Well I don't give a s***...This is just the way I am".

Sadly, all Julia achieved was outing all of her insecurities, aiming to prove to Louise that "I am as good as you".

Gilda is dropping some truths up in here

Ange decided to organise a couple of meetings to "make amends" (seriously, what script?).

First she met with Michelle and the two of them swapped thinly-veiled insults and had a fake handshake, which turned into a weird kind of tug-of-war.

What's an awkward lunch between frenemies?
What's an awkward lunch between frenemies?

Then she met with Gilda who earlier had told Michelle she simply "can't be bothered" trying to get along with Angela because "sometimes oil and water just don't mix". This seems shady but also might be the smartest thing anyone's said on this show. Just call a spade a spade and move on right? But where's the drama in that?

So they met, and Gilda called her fake to her face. Angela responded in a Housewife-doth-protest-too-much fashion, repeating over and over that "this is me" and "I'm not fake", before adding "I'm actually a really good person".

Angela's "I'm not fake" look.
Angela's "I'm not fake" look.

She's so "not fake" that she's "writing a book right now on how to be real", and told Gilda "I look forward to giving you girls a copy of it... you might learn something".

Gilda's "I'm not convinced" look.
Gilda's "I'm not convinced" look.

Chilling in the shade Angela just threw, Gilda simply said: "Drop the face. You're too preoccupied selling yourself and what you do."

Her response? "It's who I am, I'm a brand."

And once again, Gilda spoke the truth saying: "I don't want to be friends with a brand. Next time leave your brand at home and bring the actual Angela Stone to the table."

Gilda's having none of this nonsense.
Gilda's having none of this nonsense.

Slay, #GildaTheGoodWitch

The Vineyard gets disturbingly kinky

Look. Quite a lot of Housewife nonsense went down at the Vineyard party but none of it matters, because Michelle told everyone she married her husband because he has a big penis and Julia inexplicably pulled out her bag o' sex toys to show the group.

Darling, this is a c*** ring.
Darling, this is a c*** ring.

I'm not sure I've heard anything quite so posh as the phrase: "Darling, this is a c**k ring". And what's more, Anne - for reasons unknown even to her - reached out to touch it .

It didn't stop there. Julia proceeded to pull out her vibrator and switch it on for a bit of a demo, before whipping out a vibrating egg.

Because what screams "party" more than your bag o' sex toys?
Because what screams "party" more than your bag o' sex toys?

While Louise and Michelle sat there switching between shock, disgust and amusement, Anne was having none of it.

"How disgusting is that? What's the matter with her? This really confirmed my thoughts on people who have come from a background where you've got money, and people who don't," she said.

Anne and Michelle react to Julia's idea of "education".
Anne and Michelle react to Julia's idea of "education".

As the Champagne Lady says herself: "Money can buy you lots of things, but it doesn't buy you class".

Happily, Louise announced she's organised a trip for them all to Port Douglas, and in the preview for next week's episode, they're playing the popular drinking game: "I have never".

I hope someone invites Lea.

- NZ Herald

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