Raybon Kan: NZ radiant in afterglow of little pink missile flight

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So many things had to go right for the dildo to hit Steven Joyce on the face. John Key had to not show up at Waitangi, so a protester could get close enough for a good shot.

The thrower had to be a good shot, to actually hit the face (yet without hitting him so hard as to seem violent.) It helped that the thrower was a woman.

Read more:
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Waitangi: Protester throws sex toy at Steven Joyce

Imagine if the thrower had been a man, and if the PM's representative had been female.

Suddenly the news would have been all trigger warnings. And John Oliver couldn't have gone near it.

As it turned out, it was performance satire. Not too painful on Steven Joyce, but immature enough to get suspended from school if it happened during an assembly.

If it happened in a movie, we'd decry it as low-hanging Adam Sandler. But in the dry realm of politics, this was an oasis (if moistening isn't the wrong metaphor.)

John Oliver turned it into a flag joke. But it made us look good. We came across as a country where protest is humorous, and where women are good at throwing.

It was like capturing the exact frame in history where a social attitude changed. Suddenly, a dildo was broadcast-quality family viewing.

Meanwhile, this week it's been proven that New Zealanders will reach into our own pockets to buy a beach for the public good. (Let's not ask how a beach got into private hands - in a national park, no less. Let's not give rich people ideas.)

But these donations - do they express the generosity of New Zealanders, or instead, the exasperated fed-upped-ness about the country being sold to foreign investors?

We've been told there's no way, now that we've signed the TPP, to restrict foreign purchases of land. Wait, what? Then why did we sign?

Isn't that like an obvious red flag? What is a nation except the boundaries of the land? Did any of our crack TPP negotiators notice the word residency is somewhat related to the word residence?

So what we're saying is, we consider it fine as a nation to design legal hoops for foreigners to go through to gain residency - and even more hoops to become citizens - but when it comes to buying a residence, well, fill your boots.

Ask Israel or Palestine about the importance of land, and they'd tell you land is quite a different asset class to gold, frankincense, dairy or derivatives. If you can't see that, you're either lying to yourself, or you've been educated beyond human sense.

Your reward will be to smirk to yourself as you win an argument in advanced economics, while someone much dumber than you takes your girlfriend home, because they have a home to take her back to, because they own all the land.

Have you seen Game of Thrones? It's about land. Did you see Avatar? It's about land. Heard about climate change? It's about land. Work on your freestyle and backstroke, because that's gonna be your commute.

Until we evolve into multi-dimensional sparks of consciousness, hovering ego-less above the sea of worries - land, and somewhere to park our beds, will be important.

And strategically important, if the only words you find convincing are the weaponised vocab of the military-industrial complex. Even Schrodinger's Cat needed a box to live in.

The whole world is obsessed with land, because duh, land is what we live on. Complaining about a level playing field? That playing field is made of land. Land is what we farm, it's what we garden.

It's why we're one of the few countries that wouldn't mind country-of-origin labelling. We're proud of our land even when it's only green-screen. Indeed, Peter Jackson's next trilogy is probably an adaptation of Google Street View.

Anyway, now we've done it for a beach, how about we all chip in and crowdfund medicinal cannabis oil for cancer sufferers? I'm sure we can get a decent price, if we buy in bulk. It's a travesty that medicinal cannabis oil has to come from America.

It should be the other way around. If the TPP has opened America up for our goods, why aren't we exporting cannabis oil to the Americans? It's legal in several states.

We all know the TPP is great for pharmaceutical companies, what with their patents extending, so why aren't our farmers getting into pharma?

It might even be the saviour of dairy. High in calcium, high on cannabis. I think I see a new leaf on our flag.

Read more about Raybon Kan: @raybonkan, www.raybonkan.com

Debate on this article is now closed.

- NZ Herald

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