It was only a matter of time. This I knew, though I'd harboured under disillusion for a time. As if brute denial could wish the wretched affair away. And while I'd somewhat accepted that the bell would soon tolleth for thee, when its ungodly chime bellowed out in a thick English accent I was not prepared. But then, in hindsight, you never are.
As the globe's icy puddle of caring spread from nobodies to celebrities and back again my disinterest morphed into detached bemusement then into over-it cynicism, before finally settling on wide-eyed dread as I watched humans I knew - nay - humans I respected - nay, nay, sorry, I was right the first time - humans I knew, succumb.
When it hit, it hit fast in a perverse slow motion that inched its way closer every 24 hours in ever decreasing circles and low bit rate video. All I could do to fight it was ignore as many of the clips as possible. But quickly there were too many. Each day new ones popped up, flooding my social media timelines and spreading from friends of friends friends to friends friends to friends to finally, inevitably, to myself.
Now, through no fault of my own bar being an extremely personable fellow who happens to know a bunch of dim-witted and easily led good hearted people, I find myself an extremely unwilling participant in the Ice Bucket Challenge.
This, for those fortunate enough to have not heard of it, involves picking up a bucket of iced water, holding it aloft your head and then rotating said bucket of iced water 180 degrees. The effect of this is that the contained iced water and your dry head both cease to be so.
Okay, okay, I'm being a little trite. I've left out perhaps the most important part. For the Ice Bucket Challenge to be worth a damn it is vital, crucial in fact, to have someone film the whole endeavour on their smartphone. With haste they must then upload the clip immediately to every website in existence.
KISS does the ice bucket challege. Photo / Getty Images
Once you are done and standing soaking wet in a 20 second video clip that's posted everywhere online you have almost completed the challenge. The final step is to engage in some good old fashioned cyber bullying by naming three other people to also do the challenge.
This is done in the language of the streets. What happens is you call someone out. This is what has just happened to me. I got called out. One of the whitest people I know actually said the words, "Karl Puschmann I am calling you out" in an online video.
Thankfully there is a time limit on how long I remain called out. Which is good, because I'd hate to live out the rest of my days like this. I have 24hours to react, to decide, to act. Or, you know, not.
It's decision time; I can either pour icy water over my head or I can pay out some cash to make the whole thing just... disappear.
The Ice Bucket Challenge is essentially charitable extortion. When it started it was to raise both awareness and money for a motor neuron disease charity in the States. However I've since seen people selecting charities closer to their own dripping wet hearts. Which I reckon is fair enough if you're prepared to go through with it.
I, however, am not. I like being dry more than I like having a little extra cash in my wallet.
Hopefully my donation is helpful. But friends, strangers, countrymen know this; next time I get called out, I'm not answering.
Have you completed the Ice Bucket Challenge? What do you think of it? Which celeb has the best video? Share your thoughts in the comments.