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Paul Casserly watched too much TV as a child.

Paul Casserly: TV's top 10 best quotes

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Paul Casserly unveils his top 10 quotes from the past week on television.
Patricia Arquette, Temuera Morrison and Bevan Chuang; who said what? Photo / Supplied, Greg Bowker
Patricia Arquette, Temuera Morrison and Bevan Chuang; who said what? Photo / Supplied, Greg Bowker

November has come and gone like dose of the yips. But some of the crap has stuck to the walls. Here's a selection of quotes from the crazy mofos on TV.

Can you guess who said them?

THE QUESTIONS

1. "Just think of yourself as Edmund Hillary leaving base camp."

2. "I'm passionate about the community. As for the burlesque dancing ... "

3. "Bridges is way too wet behind the ears, it has to be Collins or Joyce."

4. "Most people just get a mortgage and a stainless steel fridge."

5. "I've got a problem with my back passage."

6. "Ironic applause for the home fans."

7. "I think they're talking to the wrong Maori."

8. "Get a grip Auckland City Council."

9. "Let's go sparky, I'll give you something to cry about."

10. "I didn't know what baby poo was like."

THE ANSWERS

1. "Just think of yourself as Edmund Hillary leaving base camp."
Sex education Masters Of Sex style, although the analogy was somewhat lost on the Provost, played by Beau Bridges, who replied, "Mt Everest doesn't ejaculate, Bill."

2. "I'm passionate about the community. As for the burlesque dancing ... "
Bevan Chuang on Sunday in answer to the question from Ian Sinclair, "Who is the real Bevan Chuang?"

3. "Bridges is way too wet behind the ears, it has to be Collins or Joyce."
Said Labour leader David Cunliffe when asked to name who was most likely to be the next leader of the National party, before adding, "Don't underestimate Joyce, he may not be Mr Personality but he is the ideas factory behind that government."

This was on the final ever episode of Martyn 'Bomber' Bradbury's current affairs soapbox Citizen A. The show has just ended its three-year run on Face TV (formerly Triangle). Since the switch to digital, the channel is now only available on Sky and presumably not eligible for funding. Or as Martyn puts it, "Thanks to the Minister of Culture and Heritage and Kordia for selling all the Freeview frequencies for profit."

4. "Most people just get a mortgage and a stainless steel fridge."
Said Pete Bethune in a remarkable piece on 3rd Degree where he declared, "I'm living the dream." His current dream is making a reality TV show with a crew of ex service men and woman who have decamped to the Central American Jungle armed with cameras, drones and amphibious vehicles. The show will follow them as they hunt for poachers while dressed like Rambo. After the action-packed story by Sam Hayes, Duncan Garner asked his sidekick Guyon Espiner if he thought Bethune was, "A Hero or a wanker?" To which Espiner answered, "A bit of both." From what I could make out Bethune's TV show looks like a highly entertaining mash-up of Apocalypse Now and Top Town.

5. "I've got a problem with my back passage."
Said a man on Embarrassing Bodies who was struggling with "the itch-scratch cycle."

6. "Ironic applause for the home fans."
The only words I heard as I channel surfed past New Zealand vs Mexico at the Cake Tin.

7. "I think they're talking to the wrong Maori."
Temuera Morrison on the highly entertaining The Life And Times of Temuera Morrison after talking to producers wanting to make a "Maori Braveheart". You could see Tem's heart sink as one of the men asked, "Have you ever heard of crowdsourcing?"

8. "Get a grip Auckland City Council."
John Campbell reading out an outraged viewer's comment on the council's mad, ridiculous and stupid plan to spend 23 million dollars to change the road signs from blue to green. "Mad!" "Ridiculous!" "Stupid!" said the people stopped on the street for comment, and it would have been, if it were true. What appears to have been a classic tabloid beat-up was only revealed the next night when the council's Greg Edmonds was on the show being encouraged to spend millions on upgrading the Franklin Road footpath. "Can I just make a comment about your story last night on the street signs?" Campbell: "Would have been better if you did that yesterday, but fire away young man." At this point Greg, who clearly looks no younger than John, set the record straight. "That story was a bit misleading. We don't intend to spend anything like 23 million dollars." Edmonds reckoned the actual figure will be "the usual $600,000 a year" that's spent on replacing signs that are damaged or stolen. But yes, the new signs will be green.

9. "Let's go sparky, I'll give you something to cry about."
How good has the new season of Boardwalk Empire been? This line was from Sally (Patricia Arquette) in the build up to a sex scene with Nucky, (Steve Buscemi) in which foreplay consisted of a punch to the face. Florida has proved a fertile ground for the series - or as one character called it the "land of money, c****, where it's always sunny."

10. "I didn't know what baby poo was like."

Mark Staufer on NZ Story talking about the challenges of fatherhood. Staufer, formerly one of NZ Radio's biggest stars, then a reporter on Newsnight, is now based in LA where he's following his dream of screenwriting with the help of his old school mate Russell Crowe. The pair have apparently been working on a script about the late great Bill Hicks.

Paul Casserly

Paul Casserly watched too much TV as a child.

It began with Dr Who, in black and white, when it was actually scary. The addiction took hold with Chips, in colour. He made his mum knit a Starsky and Hutch cardigan. Later, Twin Peaks would blow what was left of his mind. He’s been working in radio and TV since the 1990s and has an award in his pool room for Eating Media Lunch.

Read more by Paul Casserly

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