The end of the Twilight film saga is nigh - so please excuse me while I rejoice and howl at the moon with delight. Hallelujah, it's over and I will never again have to see Robert Pattinson's furrowed brow, witness Kristen Stewart's simpering, or endure Taylor Lautner's sulky, enraged outbursts.
And you realise, by the time you read this, I may well be homeless for saying that about Twilight. I am destined to sleep in a tent in the backyard for the rest of the week because my other half is an avid fan of the books and the films.
Although I guess being out in the wilderness all on my lonesome will give me a taste of what it feels like to be an unwanted, lovelorn outcast like Jacob (that's Lautner's character). Poor Jake. Boo-hoo, Bella doesn't want you, she wants whatshisname.
Now then, I admit I'm not a Twilight expert and I haven't read the books.
But, thanks to my wife, I have watched the films on a casual, dribs and drabs basis over the past four years. I have a rather strange familiarity with the last instalment, Breaking Dawn Pt. 1, since it seems to be forever taking up a hefty 3 per cent of the MySky memory. I couldn't tell you the plot detail of that film, though I do know Stewart and Pattinson get close to making what would almost qualify as a sex tape. However, my everlasting memory of the film is of a gaunt and pregnant Bella lying lifeless on the couch (that is until she starts drinking blood, of course).
So, after all that in-depth research and suffering, I feel I am qualified to declare that despite the Twilight franchise being a US$2 billion behemoth, I just don't get it. What is with this mass fascination and interest in these films? Yes, though its target audience is young girls, there are many, like my wife, who are surely old enough to know better. Yet they await their Twilight fix keenly.
Like I say, I don't get it. And here's why. Pattinson can smoulder and brood, but he sure can't act. Okay, so maybe I'm a little bit jealous of his reported US$60 million net worth, but hey, I can brood too.
Then there's Stewart, who can act (she was great in Snow White and the Huntsman and The Runaways), but she's hardly a riveting, dynamic on-screen presence in Twilight.
And Lautner as Jake (aka Mr Get-your-top-off-at-any-opportunity) is actually quite good, but he could do with a bit more of the energy he brought to his previous role as stroppy, kung fu-kicking youngster Sharkboy in kids' film The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lava Girl. And, as an extra bonus for Lautner, he actually gets the girl in that movie, even if it is more of a superhero sidekick-style arrangement.
The more recent Twilight films especially have what can only be described as a low-energy ebb to them. Low blood sugar perhaps? There needed to be even more wolf versus vampire run-ins if you ask me.
Oh, and when Edward did his lightning-fast vampire thing and rushed round the room, packing his and Bella's bags after they found out she was pregnant with his vampire baby, that was also pretty dramatic, I tell ya.
But when Twilight reaches its long, drawn-out conclusion today as the second part of Breaking Dawn hits cinemas, I will be celebrating. It will finally be over. The halloweenification of pop culture stops now.