It's Richard here. You know ... the one in Papamoa Beach. It's in the Bay of Plenty. Lovely spot ... one traffic light.
Yes I know there are a lot of Richards in Papamoa but I'm the one who writes in the paper ... Tuesdays ... yes, that's me.
What do you mean you don't read me in the paper? Oh, online. Okay, guess when you're up in those frozen wastes it'd be hard getting a paper delivered.
I'm glad you like the column ... oh, you thought it was Mark Sainsbury.
Yeah, well you have more than a few lookalikes too, bucko ...
Look, I missed the last mail and so I have had to phone instead. Yes, you do have an unlisted number and yes, it is secret, but I'm a resourceful kind of guy and have a contact at Telecom.
Now listen up. I've tried to be a good boy all year but, as you will know, it isn't easy.
Well, maybe you don't know as you have pretty good elf control. Haha, like that? You've heard it before. Well you try coming up with a Santa pun that hasn't been done a million times - it isn't easy matey boy.
Anyway, I've tried being good but the world just has too many idiots, mean people and ratbags in it.
I have taken the valium, Santa, but it seems no amount will dull the irritation caused by society's annoyances.
Ooh ooh, I have some jokes for you.
Why do women prefer Christmas trees over men? Give up? You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
Oh, Mrs Claus thought that funny did she? Hi Mrs Santa.
Now here's another one you can tell her.
Why are Christmas trees better than women? A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
It wasn't that funny pal. I think it rates about four hos so you can cut it back a bit now.
Now that reminds me, people have been asking if you are a woman? Don't yell at me pal, I was just putting the question forward.
Why do they suspect it? Well they say there are several clues.
The first being Santa "remembers" it's Christmas every year.
Secondly, despite the closet full of red coats with big black belts, still insists she has nothing to wear on Christmas Eve.
Thirdly, no guy would ever name his animals Dancer and Prancer. Slasher and Killer maybe.
Oh, there is another reason and you can enlighten us on this, no one has ever seen Santa weeing off a rooftop. Oh, you have ... where? Not my ... ewwww Santaaa!
You are a disgrace ... and I don't care how many whiskies you had, I have to sit on that.
Anyway, I want nothing for myself this Yuletide but I have put together a list of pressies you may want to deliver to other folk. Here goes.
Julia Gillard, Australian PM - hair dye and some elocution lessons.
Gerry Brownlee, senior New Zealand Cabinet minister - A holiday in Finland and a hearing aid for listening to people.
Mauro Balomaga and Leonil Relon, Rena officers - bath oils.
John Key, New Zealand Prime Minister - some good news to make him smile again.
David Cunliffe, Labour MP - colleagues who trust him.
Winston Peters, New Zealand First executioner - a memory for his own lapses of judgment.
Rick Curach, Tauranga City councillor - an accurate timekeeping watch.
Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge - a bucket.
King Edward VII Hospital London - caller ID.
David Bain, acquitted of murder - a multi-million dollar settlement and pretty damn quick-smart.
Kim Dotcom, entrepreneur hunted by United States using New Zealand lickspittles - non-extradition papers.
New Zealand Parole Board - a conscience.
Hekia Parata, Education Minister - make her minister of the sun rising in east (even she can't stuff that up).
Bashar al Assad, murderous Syrian President - a chin, then a bullet.
Hone Harawira, Mana Party MP - his own insurance company (well, he's made enough claims hasn't he?)
Families of Pike River victims - their loved ones' bodies back.
That's about it Santa.
PS: please don't mix my presents up with Mark Sainbury's. Ta.
As we sit amid the wreckage of the Chrissie toys and paper wrappings I think we should stay cheerful with the following thought.
The day after Boxing Day the Easter decorations and eggs will be out for us to buy.
Merry Christmas one and all.
Well, one and most anyway.
Ho, ho, ho.