The NBA is almost back after three months where it was matched in craziness only by the New Zealand General Election. Since July, its biggest star decided he couldn't resist the lure of a city where he once made elderly women weep in pain, two of its owners had to sell their teams for being racists, and Kiwi star Steven Adams may have killed a guy in a pre-season game.
Hayden Donnell recaps the 2014/15 NBA off-season.
I See Red
Kiwi centre Steven Adams' main ability last season was getting opposing players to punch him. Five people, including 5 foot 9 point guard Nate Robinson, were ejected from games for trying to fight the seven footer from Rotorua. ESPN's Bill Simmons named him the player most likely to get punched in the NBA playoffs last season. Great prediction! Grizzlies star Zach Randolph was suspended after punching Adams in a crucial game of a series the Thunder went on to win.
If pre-season is anything to go by, Adams has expanded his skill-set. He's been playing frenetic defence, accumulating steals, rebounds and blocked shots at a good clip, playing a much greater role in the team's offence while at one point shooting more than 80 per cent from the field and prompting tweets like this one from Grantland writer Jared Dubin. Look for Adams to supplant the decomposing Kendrick Perkins as the Thunder's starting centre and only silverback at some point this season. With the team's superstar Durant out, the move should come sooner rather than later.
Back For Good
LeBron James, the best basketball player in the world, is somehow back in Cleveland, where he was once less popular than the bubonic plague. He's playing for a Cavaliers team owner that wrote him a break-up letter in Comic Sans accusing him of a "cowardly betrayal" and fans that burned his jersey in the streets.
James says he's coming back because winning a title in his home state of Ohio would mean more to him than anything else he could achieve in basketball. He forgot to say that Cleveland's unrelenting sucking in the four years since he left for Miami helped make it his smartest destination. The Cavs have picked first in three of the last four NBA drafts, thanks mainly to a system that rewards their poor play. The team selected star point guard Kyrie Irving with one of those picks*. Minnesota Timberwolves superstar Kevin Love joined the team this off-season after a trade centred around another number one, Andrew Wiggins**.
Now a team that was one of the worst products in basketball last year is bumbling into 2014/15 as one of the title favourites thanks to a combo of ineptitude and dumb luck. Either God doesn't hate Cleveland or he's working up a scheme to destroy its psyche once and for all.
Since U Been Gone
Maybe the biggest off-season move, besides LeBron's return to Cleveland and the Spurs re-signing of coach/American hero Gregg Popovich, is the disappearance of Donald Sterling. The long-time LA Clippers owner was finally forced out of the NBA*** after being recorded telling his girlfriend not to hang out with black people or take them to Clippers games. The only question is why he hung around for decades, despite being dogged by allegations of racial discrimination at both the Clippers and in his real-estate empire.
Sterling will soon be followed out the door by Atlanta Hawks owner Bruce Levenson, who is selling his franchise after admitting to sending a racist email blaming black people for poor attendance at the home games of his depressing, middle-of-the-road team.
Everybody Hurts
LeBron's chief rival for the title of 'best basketball player in the world', Kevin Durant, is out eight weeks after breaking his foot. Another of the world's best small forwards, Paul George, snapped his leg in half during a non-competitive Team USA scrimmage. Derrick Rose, one of only two players to take an MVP title off LeBron in the last six years, is making another comeback after his second devastating knee injury. Even Nick Young (AKA Swaggy P) tore a ligament in his hand****.
Seeing a quarter of the NBA's stars miss good chunks of the season year after year is starting to get very annoying. Some top players are starting to call for a shorter season. The NBA is experimenting with 44, rather than 48, minute games. Watch this space.
We Are The Champions
This is looking like it's going to be a great season. The Western Conference is again a bloodbath, with 11 or 12 teams that should make the playoffs and only eight that will. The Eastern Conference is much improved, with the revival of Derrick Rose and the Chicago Bulls, the coming-of-age of the Toronto Raptors and Charlotte Hornets and the revamped, LeBron and Love edition of the Cavaliers. But it's hard not to back the defending champion San Antonio Spurs, especially with Durant missing from the Thunder lineup for the first part of the season. That said, here's my pre-season playoff and finals picks*****.
Eastern Conference
1. Cleveland Cavaliers
2. Chicago Bulls
3. Toronto Raptors
4. Washington Wizards
5. Charlotte Hornets
6. Miami Heat
7. Atlanta Hawks
8. Brooklyn Nets
(The rest: Detroit Pistons, New York Knicks, Indiana Pacers, Milwaukee Bucks, Boston Celtics, Orlando Magic, one thousand kilometres of raw sewage, Philadelphia 76ers)
Eastern Conference champs: Cleveland Cavaliers
Western Conference
1. San Antonio Spurs
2. Los Angeles Clippers
3. Oklahoma City Thunder
4. Dallas Mavericks
5. Portland Trailblazers
6. Golden State Warriors
7. Memphis Grizzlies
8. Houston Rockets
(The rest: Phoenix Suns, Denver Nuggets, New Orleans Pelicans, Sacramento Kings, Utah Jazz, LA Lakers)
Western Conference champs: San Antonio Spurs
Winner: Cleveland Cavaliers
* The pick used to select Irving was given to the Cavs unnecessarily by Miami Heat Pat Riley in the original 2010 sign-and-trade for James, during what must have been a fit of guilt, drunkenness, insanity or a mixture of the three.
** They sent over another number one pick in the same deal - Anthony Bennett - who has mostly not looked like a person who should be in the NBA.
*** Selling the team he bought for $12.5 million to former Microsoft chief Steve Ballmer for more than $2 billion.
**** The injury is probably good news for Young because it will stop Kobe Bryant murdering him on court after his seventh off-balance fadeaway three of a game.
***** Last time I did this I got the finalists and champion right. No matter that I reversed my original prediction later in the season and, in the same column, praised what will probably go down as one of the worst trades of the millennium. Get to the TAB. This is money in the bank.